Darling Jean and The Date

So first off I have to mention that I logged on today and knew at once that darling Jean had mentioned me in her blog. How did I know this, well because all of a sudden I had a upsurge in hits on the blog, and well, let's face it, I haven't been writing anything that interesting lately. Sadly, all those referrals were wasted on my last post when today's will be rather entertaining I think. Anyway, thank you Jean! Ya know I love ya!

Okay on to today's post...THE DATE. Yes, yes, I did go out on another stupid date. Seems that most of my girlfriends think I don't give guys a fair shake. Since I hate being told I'm not being fair, or that I'm doing something incorrectly, I accepted a blind date just to prove them all wrong.

We shall call the guy Mark, well actually that's his real name. I've decided that Mark reading this might not be such a bad idea. So Mark calls me up and invites me out for dinner and drinks. Personally, I like to start with something a little less time intensive, but seeing as I had a point to prove I had to accept. Not only that, but Mark was calling in the afternoon and lining up this date for that same evening. Again, I'm pretty sure all the dating books out there say any woman who is worth their salt in singledom does not admit to having nothing planned for the same evening and should try and force the prospective suitor into actually planning something rather than doing a "well I have nothing planned, so let's get this over with tonight" sort of thing, but dammit, I had a point to prove so I accepted.
The pitfall of this scenario was that I didn't have time to go home and change before the date. So once again I broke a cardinal dating rule, and ended up going out for dinner in an extremely casual outfit. By this I mean sweatpants and matching jacket. Fine, they are super nice sweat pants but augh, if What Not To Wear was around I would have been strung up by the thumbs. My defense: I had a stupid point to prove!

Okay, so just before I go to meet my date, I get a little worried. What if this guy is a mass murderer? What if he's a freak! No one even knows I'm going out with him. I figure, okay Swapna, don't be a total dumbass, tell someone where you are going, so I pull out the cell phone and call Jade. Alas, Jade does not answer, so I hang up and figure what the heck and walk into Earls to meet Mark.

Turns out Mark is pretty good looking, tall, nice face, and no bad breath upon our first meeting. So far so good. We sit down at the bar, and exchange a few pleasantries about the day and the person who set us up, then the waitress comes to take our order. Now I have two favorite drinks, one is JD and coke press with a twist of lime, the other is a gin martini with extra olives... and sometimes I'll even have a dirty martini. So I order my martini and Mark says, "Oh a martini...I think I will have something similar. Could I get a crantini with those sweet cherries in it?" Should this bother me? Probably not, but it did, I mean seriously why didn't he just order a Pina Colada and tell me he loved the Copacobana. But I then remember my girl friends, I hear their voices telling me I don't give guys a chance, I see their accusatory looks, so I let it go. At least I tried to.

So the drinks arrive, but even before they have arrived, I'm sure Mark is beginning to think I'm a sex starved nympho maniac. This would be because I can't help glancing down at his ummm... ahem...crotch continually. Why would I do this? Well because he insists on adjusting himself every 10 seconds. Maybe he was itchy! I don't know, all I know is his hand keeps straying down to his lap and pushing something around with a quick flick of his wrist, and it's basically like an accident. It's gross but you can't look away! By then I have no idea what the conversation is about, all I can do is chant in my head, "Don't look down, don't look down, no no, don't look down, aaaaaaaaargh, you looked down!"

I really couldn't stop, so I did what any quick thinking gal would do in my spot, I pasted a smile on my face, threw back that martini as fast as I could, and said we should move to the dining section for dinner. Basically my thinking was that if we were sitting down at a table, I wouldn't be able to stare at his lap so my problem would be solved. So off we go to the restaurant side and whew, I can concentrate on the conversation again. The dialogue wasn't anything brilliant, but hey, it really wasn't his fault, as I wasn't being all that witty myself. Well, that's not quite true, I was being witty and sarcastic with my running inner commentary, but vocally, I was a bit of a dullard, I admit it.

So dinner arrives, and mmmmm it looked great, smelled wonderful and I was starved. Again, I think there's some rule about not appearing to actually eat on a date, but whatever, I was going to enjoy my meal with gusto. Apparently Mark was going to do the same, because it was about then the mouth smacking started. Now I could let the crantini go, and I could find ways to avert the adjustment problems, but mouth smacking while you are eating, I just can't let that go. It's a huge peeve of mine and it immediately turned me off, especially when some food flew out of his mouth and hit his water glass.

By then though, there was no turning back, we were in the middle of dinner, I had no way to make a quick retreat. But miracles do happen! Suddenly, my cell phone started ringing. So I pick it up, and it is Jade returning my call. Sadly, she sounded like she was speaking through a bullhorn and I knew Mark could hear every word she was saying, so I couldn't make a surreptitious plea for help. Jade said she was just returning my call and asked what was up. "Oh I didn't call for anything special, don't worry about it." To which she replied, "Uh is everything okay? I was just heading out of town and thought I should return the call." You see, Jade is no dummy, she heard the desperation in my voice...at least I think she must have otherwise why would she have asked if everything was okay? But I couldn't elaborate, he could hear every word, so I just said, "Everything is fine, I had just called to chat, I'll catch you tomorrow when you get back, I'm just having dinner with a friend right now."

At that point Jade was completely intrigued. She knows me too well, so she says, "Dinner? With a GUY!!!??" But I was too fast, I could feel her response coming on so I talked over her and said, "Okay I have to go, I'll talk to you tomorrow, OKAY?" She got the hint and said okay and hung up. About 30 seconds later the phone rings again, and it's Jade again...and she's as loud as ever.

This time she says to me, "you know, I was about to head out of town, but then I realized this might be that guy thing we talked about, is it the guy thing? The thing where you call and hang up, then I return the call and pretend there's an emergency so you can get the hell out of dodge? Cuz if it's the guy thing, I would never forgive myself for not catching on and leaving you stranded with some guy." As you can imagine, I was frantically trying to find the volume button on my cell, and I now basically have an imprint of my cell phone on my cheek from trying to muffle her voice by smushing the phone against my face.

I glanced over at Mark, and yep, he could hear every word. I just mumbled something about that not being it at all and that I had to go and hung up. Now remember, I really hadn't given her this code! I might have wanted to, but I never did, I had just called her to let her know where I was going in case my dead body showed up floating in the Saskatchewan River the next day. Anyway, he looked at me, kind of smirked and then said, "You have a plan for ditching guys?" I took the path of least resistance and said, "Well yes, I do. But I never implemented the plan! It's just that I had called her when I was on the way here, to discuss...uhhh female things (and I kind of stuttered when I said that and pretended to be a bit embarrassed since I believed that would stop him from investigating further)but she didn't answer her phone, and I did leave her a message, but apparently she never checked them, she just saw I called and called me back."

That explanation probably breaks every rule of lying. Basically, I babbled too much and why I felt I had to lie and bring 'Female Things' into the conversation is beyond me. It would have been fine to say I was just letting her know where I was going to be for the evening...but no, the drama queen in me decided I had to lie. Anyway, he believed my story and so the dinner of mouth smacking, crantinis with cherries and constant self fondling continued. I sat there in misery until it was safe to leave, thanked him for a nice evening and off I went.

Now see, here's the part that kills me...KILLS ME! I tell my girlfriends about the date and one of them thought I should have run away screaming, my sister understood that the mouth smacking was probably something I couldn't overlook, although she does feel I am too judgemental about such things, and the rest, yes the rest of my girlfriends feel I'm an idiot and such things have to be overlooked or one will never find anyone acceptable. Basically they pretty much told me that these are minor problems and I should put up with them or admit that I'm going to become a crazy cat lady.

So to recap, I went on a date to prove a point that I don't discount men before I even give them a chance, my date drank girly drinks, fondled himself and spewed food at me, I embarrassed myself by not knowing how to work my own cell phone, and finally, I proved NOTHING. So, having said that, I'm off to look at newspaper, I think there's a section listing cats to give away or for sale.

- Swapna