The Real Reason I Can't Pick Up a Guy at the Bar

Don't be so shocked that I'm back, it's just that I needed to post this while it was still fresh in my mind.

Okay so it's one of those rare occasions where I actually went to the bar with some girlfriends. There was a band we all wanted to hear, so off we went. Of course, we were probably the oldest females there, but we looked hot I tell ya. So anyway, here's my story with the obligatory name disguising to save face for all but me:P

Let me set the scene, Swapna, Charina, and her cousin Karlotte go to the bar...I'm cracking myself up with their name changes, like swapping the first letters of their first names really works...but hey, they don't read this anyway. Okay so off we go and settle in at a table near the back for some good music. After the first set Karlotte leans over and stabs me in the hand with her straw and tells me not to look, but there's some guy eyeing me up. Turns out she was right, he was eyeing me up, and when Karlotte was in the bathroom and Charina was at the bar ordering drinks, he made his smooth entrance. The conversation went something like this:

Him: Hey
Me: Hey
Him: Mind if I sit down?
Me: Sure, just pull up an extra chair though, my friends are coming back.
Him: No problem
Off he goes to find a chair....time passes, the girls have returned before him, now he finally comes back with a chair.
Him: I'm back
Me: I see that
Him: So can I buy you a drink?
Me: Actually Charina just got me one, but thanks for asking. Oh and uh so this is Charina and that's Karlotte, and your name is?
Him: Oh right, Dan, sorry bout that.

Now at this point the band starts back up and they are really loud...this is an important fact.

Me: Hi Dan, I'm Swapna
Him: What?
Me: I said, Hi, my name is Swapna
Him: Sorry, I didn't get that the band's really loud.
Me: Yeah I can barely make out a word you are saying.
Him: HUH? What? Sorry I still can't hear you.
Me: Uh so you really can't understand a word I am saying?
Him: Yeah I really like what they are playing too, have you heard them before?
Me: Not live, but someone sent me an mp3 of theirs.
Him: Sure no problem I'll just sit here and wait for you if that's okay.
(Now I've tried and tried to figure out what he might of said, but at the time I decided he heard me say...Not live, but now I have to go pee over there by the stairs. So off I went to the bathroom. When I returned he was happily listening away to the music and there was a new drink in front of me, so obviously he had no probs hearing the waitress.)
Him: Welcome Back.
Me: Thanks, by the way, did you buy me this drink?
Him: What do you mean what do I think?
Me: No No, I said THANK YOU FOR THE DRINK
Him: Oh, Okay, no problem.

By then I was having trouble keeping a straight face, as were my two friends. So we kinda just sat back and listened to the music for a bit. After a while of silence, he tried again.
Him: So I'm sorry, what did you say your name was?
Me: Swapna
Him: Um sorry what was that?
Me: SWAP NA like you swap something with an N A on the end.
Him: Swapna?????
Me: Yes
Him: Seriously?
Me: YES
Him: No, I meant what is your first name?
Me: that is my first name
Him: No I mean not your....oh what's it called, well not your last name, what's the word for that, but not that, your other name.
Me: Swapna is not my last name it's my first name, and I think the word you are looking for is 'surname'
Him: Your name is Tremaine?
Me: No the word is SURNAME and my name is Swapna
Him: yeah not your surname, what's your first name?
Me: My NAME IS SWAPNA PADMANABH
Him: Swami Patmybag?
Me: Yes, yes my name is Swami Patmybag. Well it's not really, but I'm not sure if you know much about the Hindu religion, but I'm a Swami, so we are forbidden from disclosing our first names. It's a rule.
Him: You're a hindustanian swami?
Me: Yes, yes I am
Him: I knew someone who spoke hindustanian before, but I don't know if they were a hindustanian or pakistanian.
Me: I see. Well, I try not to discuss my hindustanian beliefs and such, since I just want to be like everyone else, I don't like being treated differently.
Him: Yeah okay, and I wouldn't have known you were a Swami, you look just like everyone else.
Me: Well thank you very much, that's a very nice compliment.
Him: If you don't want to answer this that's okay, because you don't want to talk about hindustanian things, but is it okay for you to be drinking alcohol?
Me: I'm not drinking alcohol. That is STRICTLY forbidden! That's the real reason why I said no the first time you asked if you could buy me a drink.
Him: Oh, but hey, stop drinking that. I bought you that drink and I thought the waitress said you were drinking Jack Daniels with Coke, so that has Jack Daniels in it.
Me: Right, I can drink Coke, it's okay to drink Coke.
Him: NO it's coke, but it's Jack Daniels too.
Me: Yeah, like I said, coke is okay, but I thought you said your name was Dan, not Jack Dan.
Him: NO NO THAT DRINK HAS JACK DANIELS IN IT, JACK DANIELS IS ALCOHOL.
Me:What? There's alcohol in this?
Him: Yes.
Me: Oh, I thought it tasted funny.
Him: Sorry I didn't know.
Me: That's okay, it tastes kinda nice anyway ( then I take another sip).

At that point Charina leaves, just up and leaves. Later she told me she thought she was going to pee she was laughing so hard. Karlotte, on the other hand, had no intention of going anywhere, since she was thoroughly enjoying this convo.
Him: You really shouldn't drink that, I don't think you understand but there's alcohol in it.
Me: Oh I understand but according to the Wemic scriptures (it's really VEDIC but anyone who has played D&D or other such games knows a wemic is a half man half monster type of creature, so I couldnt resist)I'm allowed to drink it if it was accidentally given to me. Our Gods are very understanding they will forgive me.
Him: Gods, you have more than one God.
Me: Oh yes, there are thousands we even have a God of Echinacea
Him: Oh I see (personally I don't think he knew what echinacea was)

By this time the conversation was getting a bit slower with longer and longer pauses in between, and the last set of music was over, so we were back to talking without having to shout at the top of our lungs.

Him: So what do I call you?
Me: You call me Swami Patmyass, or if you see me in a more formal setting and I passed all my hindustani religous exams you would call me Divine Swami Patmyass. (now see, for those of you who didn't catch it, I changed the patmybag to patmyass...however this was not done intentionally, I just forgot what he had originally thought it was and patmyass came out)
Him: Swami Patmyass?
Me: Swami PatmyAZZ (I was kind of saying it more like Paatmyazz)
Him: Oh I thought you said something else.
Me: Yes it was hard to hear in here before.
Him: Yeah, and I think I'm having a bit of a problem with your accent too, no offense.
(That was too much for Karlotte...since well I was born in England, moved to Canada when I was not even 2 years old, and don't even speak proper Hindi myself and certainly have no accent)
So now I'm left alone with the guy, so I decided it was time to make my exit.

Me: Well, I really should go too, it's almost time for prayers.
Him: Oh you have to go?
Me: Yes, but it was really nice meeting you Jack Dan
Him: It's just dan.
Me: Okay it was nice meeting you. ( I wanted to say okay it was nice meeting you JUST DAN, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, besides I had no audience anymore)
Him: Yes it was nice meeting you too, are you sure you can't stay longer?
Me: No, I'm sorry I really must go and pray.
Him: Oh Okay
Me: Bye and thanks for the drink and then I gave him the traditional little Indian Namaste with hands folded and bowed head. He even did the little bow back.

I finally found the girls and off we went and laughed about it all the way home. So basically, I think the reason I'm no good at getting picked up is because it's just too hard to say my name. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

-Swapna